Briefly to the point...

I've not added to my blog in over a week, been snowed under, distracted, harassed, driven barmy, the usual week when it's life in the bus lane!

I will be back on full flight next week all going well...

In the meantime here's a little gem to make even the most dubious of cooks out there feel better about how they nourish their offspring....

Do any of you have a phone with a message alert that goes, "PIIIIINNG!!!"  ??
That's the sound mine makes when I get a text.
It went off earlier, and without skipping a beat or looking up from his comic, my four year old says , "That sound means the food is ready mummy..."
😳😳😳
I will take THAT remark as a sign that  my microwave needs a day off ...😳

Kids...The light at the end of your socially awkward tunnel 👍🏻👎🏻👍🏻👎🏻

There was much excitement round here s few weeks ago when Raif got invited to his first ever birthday party. 😁 Of course, I was over the moon for the little maniac, his speech and hearing issues and a food phobia are a knock on effects from contracting Kawasakis disease at 8 months old 😳 so we worried endlessly about how his communication problems would impact on him making friends (although mummy will admit!the issues with his speech have helped mask the fact that he's picked up a "little" casual swearing along the way! *whistles innocently * 😲)
The big day comes and Raif couldn't be more excited. He helped me wrapped the present (90% sticky tape...typical male!) and skipped off out the door and into the car with my husband. I did not attend 😳 I managed delegate party attending duties  to Joe. I came up with an array of excuses to talk Joe into going without me....
ME= I can't take Raif to this party. I got my period I'm sooooo debilitated!!! 😮

HUSBAND  = But didn't you have that last week ??

ME= Oh. Erm. My dog died??🐶💀

HUSBAND =  Alex. We doooont HAVE a dog 🙄

ME=Aaahhh... My husband ran off with the woman who gives him extra chips at Dixys and I cant function for all the crying I'm doing?? Sob sob sob??? 😭😭😭😭

HUSBAND = 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄*exasperated sigh*

I felt like I'd really dodged a bullet🔫 ......Because the parents are horrid?? NOPE! They really couldn't be more decent and likeable!...Because the birthday child is such an antichrist he makes mine look positively angelic? ...NOPE! This little fella is the most happy, well behaved child you could ever hope to meet. ....Because I don't like parties due to all the wicked temptation with caaaake and sweeeets?? ....HELL NOPE! Just NO. Really. I'd invite myself to a strangers funeral wake  in order to get my hands on some cake, so cake situations don't apply here.
The fact of the matter is I have managed to turn avoing social situations into an art form over the years, to the point where I'm sure I'm only one click away from becoming a hermit and living in a  remote cabin on a mountain top 😳  My eldest son is in year 6 now, and it's only this year that I've started making eye contact with the other parents.Even THAT has only come about because they make a fuss into Zain's buggy and then proceed to make "mummy" conversations with me 😳 (dammit Zain, why'd ya have to be so cute?!)  It got so outta hand that it was a major factor in hoping to have a home birth on both Raif and Zain , which was refused due to a history of blood loss 👎🏻 Sod's law stepped in and even though I reluctantly went to hospital to have Raif, I didn't quite make it in the door and gave birth in the car park , in the rain, with people out having a smoke break being treated to a full view of my massive bare butt 😳 Sooo the whole plan backfired spectacularly!
Anyhoooooo...
Raif has really hit it off with this little lad , and the parents are keen to set up play dates and joint tea times,  ya know, all the things a normal mum would be all over.... ( 😳Eh, Not this mum.) Tonight we had the little man around for tea which was really pleasant , but the whole social interaction required to make these things happen is putting age on my face 😳 I will be strong though, it's good for Raif to do these things, so it's time I un-mastered the art or avoiding eye contact in the playground, and stopped making pretend phone calls when another parent is on the approach!
These kids are dragging me outta my comfort zone, kicking, screaming, drooling and babbling incoherently like the social recluse I am ! But I will embrace this baptism of fire with courage!!!
(Unless my hand accidentally slips onto the "ignore call button"  😳 Or my dog dies again😶)

Three...Two...One...MELTDOWN!!

Ahhhh, the dreaded tantrum! We've all been there. One minute your beloved toddler is sat happily dismantling whichever room has just been tidied, the next minute they're a raging,screaming, clammy-faced human beetroot, hell bent on pulling apart your resolve, one shriek at a time...

Today I experienced just that from my 1 and a half year old. Just as I was getting ready to go on the school run to pick up my 4 year old, out of nowhere a red mist descends and Zain throws a tantrum of epic proportions. Trying to strap a wilful toddler into a buggy is a mission on the best of days, but trying to do it while they're acting like they're being kidnapped and set on fire  is a different ball game altogether. Just as I'm managing to get the buggy straps across him , he initiated  that signature move that all toddlers are programmed to do (you know that ninja move, where they arch their back and go stiff as a board then effortlessly slide out of your grasp and escape? 😳 Yup, that one!) eating into the time I've got to get to the school to collect Raif. I convinced myself that as soon as we're out the door and on the move,  he will change his tune. HAH! Wishful thinking! He decides that, having lost the battle of the buggy restraints, he will kick things up a gear, and starts emitting sounds that tell me the sound effects for the movie,"The Exorcist" were undoubtedly created by someone following a toddler around and waiting til tantrum-o'clock to start recording these ungodly noises 😳 Spine tingling, hair on the back of your neck standing up kinds of noises, that I would describe as a demonic harmony between an angry seagull,a howler monkey, and a petrol lawnmower. Passing by Zain's favourite crossing guard she couldn't believe such an angelic little fella had it in him to throw a hissy-fit (Well,believe it lady, coz it's the third one this week!) I got to a point by fifteen minutes in where I wasn't sure exactly what was causing sweat to drip down my face...Was it the stage fright from all the heads turning to look where the banshee was, or was it the power-walk /panic-jog I was doing in the hope of getting onto the pavement by the duel carriage way so the noisy Manchester traffic could drown this human air raid siren out....it could have been both. I struggled to find any positives in this ear piercing situation, until I caught the eye of a lad who must have been  no more than 17/18 years old. His face was a mixture of fear and horror, and I can tell you right now My child has without a doubt acted as contraception for at least ONE young person in this city (dear parents of that young swag lad...YOU ARE WELCOME!) I get to the precinct near the school thinking if I go through there, it will be a shortcut , however, I am dreading the acoustic effect of the mall so I'm wincing as I go through the doors. Suddenly , all I can hear is the mall sound system playing that DREADFUL Ronan Keeting version of If Tomorrow Never Comes. I look down into the buggy, and just like that, like a switch, instead of screaming blue murder, he's calm, and bopping his head to that God-awful song 😶 Like a tornado, the tantrum touched down,wreaked havoc,and dispersed, just like that. 

The relief was almost too much, until I caught my reflection in a store window 😳 My (let's face it, seldom  styled) hair is now matted to my head, and I look like I use Andy Warhol as a style inspiration. 

I'm sure the others threw tantrums that were just as horrendous when they were small but it's easy to forget that nightmare until you're in the thick of it again with a toddler (I'm left wondering if each subsequent child has a mission to better the previous, by becoming the über tantrum thrower , kinda like Terminator was followed up with T1000? Just a thought😳) 

Dear ground...please open and swallow me...

HI 😁 how's everyones day going? Bit shit?
Lemme make ya feel better;
MY MORNING:

Doctors waiting room.
RAIF,(the 4 year old,at the top of his lungs) = There's lots of muppets in here mummy!

ME, (putting on the poshest accent I can muster)= *does nervous chuckle * Nooooww Raaaaaaif, we mustn't say things like this!

RAIF (deadpan face) =That's right mummy, coz you say there's lots of "F****NG" muppets in here!

ME= face like beetroot, stares at the floor willing it to open up and swallow me...

ZAIN (the 1 year old) = Feels like getting in on the action, leans out of buggy bites Raif on the arse .

RAIF= Screaming like a banshee.

ME= Sees its our turn to see the doctor and makes a swift bee line for the room. Eyes still to the floor.
Walks into wrong room where there's a man being examined.
😳😳😳
FFS totally failing at life all before 10 am 😂

NEXT STOP, SWEAR JAR FOR MUMMY 😳✌🏻️

When communications fail...

This baby of mine 😲 Honestly, you know how some ignorant tourists go on foreign holidays and get annoyed when waiters or shop assistants don't understand English? This child has been losing the rag at me for about ten minutes getting more angry going ,"Baddy? Toosh??" "Baddy??TOOSH?!!!!!" 😡 I'm like WTF? 😳 As it transpires, BADDY= banana, and TOOSH= on toast (thanks Joe) Jeeeez 🙄sorry I don't speak EVIL LEPRECHAUN!! 😋

THE WAILING through the WALL

Nothing can bolt you out of a deep sleep at stupid-o'clock quite like the devastated screachy-screams of a teething toddler, and as I've not quite let myself off the hook enough to discontinue the use of a baby monitor (ya know, because the decibels being emitted from this little bundle of insanity only rival a pneumatic drill, so I need to have that sound in stereo 😳 Not neurotic at all 🙄...) I I have admittedly found myself in a semiconscious state bolting towards the sound of the monitor instead of the bedroom door, propelled only by adrenaline fumes and a finely tuned fight or flight response, and halted abruptly by either hitting the wall behind said monitor, or the searing pain of a stray Lego block up the foot. (that'll snap any remaining drowsiness RIGHT out of you 👍🏻) It took three such disoriented mishaps before I could bring myself to admit my husband was right , and if I INSIST on keeping a monitor I should move it (It would appear that sleep deprivation, dulls all corners of the mind body and spirit, except the area that governs a slightly stubborn streak 🙃)... I finally arrive at the source of the wailing armed with a bop-bop (yep, a bottle, don't judge, I know he should be well off them by now but it's all bribery and corruption in my house) bleary eyed but ready to administer a cuddle and a teething remedy (not, I might add, the "cap full o whiskey!" remedy that my rather elderly neighbour seems to suggest to cure all childhood ailments, as much as he reassures me it "never did him any harm", I haven't yet resorted to bringing a tray of Jameson shots up stairs ...not to give to the kids anyway 🍷👍🏻) I've already gotten to the side of his cot before it dawns on me that my calamitous journey from my bedroom to here has given him long enough to self-soothe and go back to sleep. Great in one sense, but dammit there's another one in the net for my husband (aside from bribery and corruption, there is also a culture of competitiveness in this house. I don't even know how aware of it my husband actually is, but there you have it!) Time to do a quick headcount while I'm in here (because you never know with 11, 4, and 1 year old boys all potentially plotting in the same room, one night the urge to run away and join a circus/become a Jedi/ go hunting for dinosaur fossils in South America might become too much and they'll pack a handkerchief on a stick and leave (Again. Not neurotic. Honest ✌🏻😳) All three male gremlins are sleeping soundly , so I'm thanking the heavens for small mercies, but at the same time kicking myself for not taking heed of my husbands advice and holding my horses before I leap up to see to any source of theatrical sobbing. (No way Joseph! Dammit you will NOT have this victory!🙅🏼) I resort to covertly tiptoeing out of the room backwards, Captain Jack Saprrow style ☠ when I stumble over a small figure , stood on the landing in the dark , and I nearly meet a grisly end by toppling down the stairs (Oh so, that's what I'd get for being too proud , Joseph? HUH! WORTH IT!) The figure is that of my 6 year old stepdaughter. Disturbed by the racket and trying to make a disoriented trip of her own to have a wee (yes, just a family of disoriented night owls, the bunch of us 😁) So I take this opportunity to do my other headcount in the female gremlin bedroom, because ya know, it's the dead of night, and you never can tell when a girl of 6 might decide to go find her way to the land of Equestria, and disguise her escapades as a late night bathroom trip 😳 (I hear a flush , false alarm. Still not neurotic! ✌🏻️)... In the girls room i find my 8 year old stepdaughter is also awake, but for a different reason, She's had that nightmare about giant ants again 😳. A bit of reassurance that although it MIGHT be possible, I have it on good authority that if you made an ant giant it would be crushed under its own weight, sooooo it's all good 👍🏻 FINALLY. I'm back in my room laying on my all-too-unused pillow, with a mash up of snores playing down the monitor mixed with my husbands snores beside me (sounds like a barnyard full of pigs having a conversation) As I lay there I'm quite glad the other half is out cold and oblivious to the nightshirt that's just played out. No need to admit he was right on this occasion! (Sorry,Joseph! 1-0 to the wife!) I see the digits on the clock now say 3:39 A.M, that means I'm hitting the ground running in less than three hours to battle the day shift that follows my night shift... I should get my ass to sleep right away, but instead I lay awake thinking how very shit three hours of sleep is, and what if they made SUPER giant ants that we're invincible and didn't crush under their own weight...